be a lemming.
follow the fox.

28 December 2009

+ down with denver.


Warning: severe apologies to anyone who inhabits this - well it can only be described as - space, called Denver.

Knock Knock whoever's there...
I'll introduce you to my unfortunate scenario.
For this years Christmas season I've been, you could say, marooned in Americas saddest city - Denver, Colorado.
Never heard of this horrid place? I'd suggest you GoogleEarth-it but I like to think when you type it in the search box, it responds your request with a black hole where the city would be. So don't bother. Essentially, the only positive attributes to Denver are the snow and the shops. Which I'm sure can be found in many, many, other parts of the world, rendering the need for Denver mute.
So I have spent the last week in this literal desert, including Christmas. Which is another blog of its own, trust me...
And i've noticed a few things, as I generally do.

1. While shopping I heard a woman quarrelling with her co-worker about this bite on her arm. As I waltzed past her she said "gee, could it be a spider bite?? I saw one on the animal planet and it kinda looked like this..." as her fellow clerk supported "oh yeah! Look at it! It's all red and puffy, it can't be a bug..."
Okay a couple things. Animal Planet, isn't actually a planet. You haven't been there via space shuttle. I can't take a little trip down to 'The' Animal Planet and pick up a litre of milk and visit my fellow ferrets there. So, NO naive Nordstroms clerk, there is no planet animal.
And if you isolated this scenario and transported this to Australia, it would be utterly ridiculous. Simply because you wouldn't be debating the insect. You would have already assumed that it was a spider in Australia. Of course it's that common arachnid. No, you would most likely be debating the species or the lethality of the bite.
2. I didn't realize how common and acceptable it was to wear overalls in casual society still. I wasn't even aware they were still being manufactured. Or the alternative sad reality is that they've saved them from the early 1990s until the day when they're back in fashion. Sorry, but that's one trend that shouldn't ever be revived...
3. For all those who are familiar with the bogan-status that is commonly related to the 'Ugg Boot', I think i'll just warn you now - Denver has embraced this furry footwear - and it's truly frightening. If you're acquainted with Frankston - Melbourne, I'm sure you're aware that these boots are only acceptable within the confines of your house. Otherwise you are at risk of being confused with a teen mother whose favourite day is the day she collects her doll-payment. But no. The people of Denver aren't aware of this social status this notorious shoe has created. They're strutting their stuff in short shorts and mini skirts in the middle of winter, but don't worry!! It's okay!! They're wearing their beloved Uggs. Everything is okay in the world.
4. The accent. All those LDS kids out there, you'll understand, or all those who have been approached or encountered the Missionary, you may. Upon my arrival I was slightly stunned for a brief moment when I heard a male American accent behind me. I swung my head around like it was independent of my body and quickly searched for the suit, badge and companion. But found none. Then realized. Oh. Americans also have this accent. *Slaps forehead*.
5. People here are ridiculously friendly. I think if anyone was that naturally friendly to me in Germany or Russia or Japan, i'd fear that it was step one in my kidnapping. But no. They genuinely are friendly. It's almost frightening. I was speaking to one girl in M&O for about 10 minutes and she asked if I had facebook. After asking a man in a cookware store whether they had pie covers (don't ask why), he begun regurgitating Vietnam stories to me. I just wanted to protect the crusts of my pie...Another ridiculously bubbly woman at Macey's described her frustration about the liquid limit at Heathrow airport. (which is actually ridiculous might i add). Perhaps they just need to vent and don't have a shrink to do so? My solution is a talk box. Like a phone, handheld and you simply just talk to it and it kind of answers in mediocre responses such as "yahuh, oh I hear ya girl, I know right!?" I think the people of America would really welcome such a box.
6. Oh and just today, I was eating this Schmore (if you haven't eaten one of these, you haven't lived - i suggest you google it) and this guy walks past me and says "mm, nice fatty". Uh? What? I know I'm not exactly a supermodel size 0 or anything, but compared to the stereotype of your average American, I'm no fatty. But thankyou for suggesting that I may become overweight by consuming one Schmore Mr. BMI.

There are many more observations to be commented on, however I think that small essay is enough for your eyes appetite. For those unaware with my writing style, when someone says 'gimme 100words' I'll hand you a small novellette or saga. So apologies for the length.

Stay tuned.
life's narcissistic narrator.
+hann.

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