Well this blog really emerges from my hate of public eating. Not to be confused with the less popular and understandable more vulgar form of digestion known as pubic eating.
For those who know me rather well they'll know that I rather detest eating in public for many reasons, which in best interest of time, your time, I shall dot point for you. (I also managed to find the dotpoint button so I got a little excited at the thought of clicking it to see the result)
- I hate it when people bite their spoons/forks with their teeth. - Pardon the pun, but this is one thing you really shouldn't sink your teeth into. For example yoghurt or soup really only requires the not-so-complex dual lip action. The elderly have no issue with this rule, mainly because this is really aimed at a general audience of those with teeth. Which really cements the old tradition of eating hideously textured mushables, baby food, variety of blended food, purees, or like my mother, a troth of jelly when you have dental work done. Why? Because you don't require teeth for this action!! So for those dentally impaired, never fear. Your soup-lution is here.
- I have an issue with splitting bills. - For example: My friend and I shared a meal together, being what I thought was considerate of others and then when the dinner-organizer recieved the bill, she decided to simply split it eight ways. Now I'm no maths wizz or beautiful mind, but I know that I payed for more than just my meal. Because if I knew that this was going to be the agreed ettiquite of paying then I would have ordered a lobster, an entree and a very large, very rich chocolate cake for myself, accompanied by a lovely bottle of red and yet pay 1/8th of the cost! My preffered payment method: you pay for what you order.
- Tipping. - I hate tipping very much. Mainly because you are the person responsible for correctly and accurately judging how much another individuals services are worth. And I find that ridiculously confronting and if done incorrectly, embarrassing. In the states, the waiters and waitresses really should be enrolled in acting because boy, do they suck up or what. They run around for you like you're royalty. Goodness help them if you ever reach the bottom of your glass, I reckon they're under the impression that you'd give 'em a good whack over the head if you did, or your meal was seconds late, or if you didn't recieve enough complimentry butter with your complimentary bread. It's actually quite frightening how hard these people work to earn a good tip. Which is why when the bill comes, I become really anxious. It's that kind of situtation when you're inclined to take a peak at what the table next to you is doing. I call it the Mr. Bean peek. So what do I do. I turn to my trusty techno-ology and download a 'tipping' application. Because not only am I mathematically slothful, but I'm also socially inept. Apple iPhone saves the day again!
- What to order. - Probably what I struggle with most. Not only do you feel the pressure to order something that is in the same price range but also in the same health range as well. It often occurs when you're shopping and there's several outlets of foodstalls around and one person goes "oh I'll just grab a fruit salad from Healthy Habits" which immediately sets off anxiety in me because I was just about to go "I'll zip down to Nandos and pick up some healthy fatty chips and steroid filled chicken...", nope, not anymore. Hello panic. So I usually either cave in to the bitch that is peer pressure and get a frogurt, a delightful infusion of frozen yoghurt which I do recommend. Or I be stubborn and fat and get my chips. But it just gets worse when you're at a restaraunt and you have to make a quick descision cause the waitress is standing there with her convicting pen and pad, her eyes boaring holes in your head because you're indecisive. So you result in ordering something you can't remember if you like or not because of haste or sharing something or ordering the same as everyone else. Another reason why you don't eat in public.
- The bitch that is manners. - It definitely bites ya in the butt. I'm sure you'e often sat down at a restaraunt and moaned because there's been a child or a ill-developed person who likes to munch. You can hear it like some bear gnawing on a turtle or something, the awful crunching and slurping of soup and snapping when biting. It's absolutely disgusting. Or what's worse is when it's accompanied by lack of table manners. The neanderthals that clench their fists around a petite peice of silver cutlery, the poor spoon, shaking in its boots, wishing for its release from the grasps of the monster eater. Nothing more unattractive. When I was a child (trying to avoid sounding like an old man), I had those peculiar little hazardous plastic cutlery where it told you where to put your fingers. Awkward to use but now I applaud my mother for enforcing such a tedious task upon a two year old. It has finally payed off. But no. Have you never wanted to hit that slurper across the head with the big heavy salad spoon, or dunk his head in his soup like he's a pig eating from his trough. Because I certainly do. Those who know me, know I have a rather vivid and violent imagination and one day I'll snap and teach those eating pigs the proper eating ettiquite...I suppose that sentence was rather menacing so I'll go onto say - mark my words.
(I quite liked this one because it made me much happier to be short. XD)
The realm of fine dining is never fine, it's often riddled with waiters spit from insufficent tips, nasty slurpers, healthy options which make matters worse, peer pressure which we all know is just a monster, inpropper use of cutlery and the inevitable bill.
It's nasty and if it weren't necessary to consume food every day, I'd avoid it.
Unfortunatly this isn't the case. Happy Eating.
Stay Tuned.
life's narcissistic narrator.
+hann.
OVER AND OUT.
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