+ no returns policy.

Good day to you eight.


I'd like to introduce a new issue that I've stumbled across too much than one would like recently. And that is regarding the traumatic life burden that is 'favour' etiquette. 
I have always viewed politeness as, well, a bitter bitch. But unfortunately, like marriages, the bitch will forever rule. If you're luckily unfamiliar with the process of returning favours, I'll walk you through it, red fox style. 

(just an example of when you wish you hadn't said yes)

It begins with one rather overly considerate and merely 'nice' person doing an essential but ultimately an unnecessary kind deed. What follows is a bugger of a burden that will drag you down with guilt like the cannonball chained to a prisoners tattooed covered kanckle. Unfortunately, like real returns, it's a two way exchange, I suppose hence the meaning of exchange now I look a back on its usage...
Just like you don't get to keep the faulty appliance you were given by your stepmother, you don't get to get off scott free. 
Then comes the dreary weeks, months, years following the deadly deed. Where every time you see this - great mate, they remind you of the healthy, beautiful guilt trip. Generally goes something like the following: "hey could you be a real sport, and pick up my kids on thursday from band practice" of course this does require the presence of musical kids - therefore you're a parent - or a teen frankstoner. 
This is where you have an option.
A - redeem yourself and be a good 'sport' like real friends do
or
B - lie.
Heres how option A would unfurl:
"Oh yeah, I owe you after all this time. Sure can, would they like some ice-cream afterwards?"
And here's option B's result:
"Oh yeah, mate, you know I would (in your head you're shaking your head vigorously), but my girlfriends (yes you have neither kids nor a wife, most likely due to the fact of your pathological inclination to lie) sisters, niece from her ex-husbands side needs to pick up her dog from the airport and, you know what the Miss's is like when she's cranky...and you don't want that do you. ha"
which is usually followed by: 
"come on." then they suavely suggest some solution (quadruple alliteration- awesome), that you hadn't considered, which is when you go "DRAT!" and then they proceed to roll out the red guilt carpet so you can trip up on it while they yank it from beneath your lying feet. "remember the summer when we were in college and I lied to the dean about...you know...*winky wink wink* and you said I owe you. Well nows that time."
To which you cringe and nod, knowing inside you deserve it. 
So if we analyse this process, we really see that no matter what option you choose, you'll end up doing it eventually. 


But here's my social issue. How can you possibly know when one favour is equivalent to another? I'm pretty certain there isn't an application on your iPhone that says 'deed converter'. Or a set of scales or measurement system that allows you to compare the ratio of favours. It's an etiquette nightmare. 
If I walk your dog once, does that equal you taking my kids on a walk? Cause I'd really like that. Not that I have kids, but I've seen kids, and you can't make them catch balls and bring it back on command. Therefore I'd happily walk your dog twice a day if you could return the favour. 
But it's not the case. And then you have situations where they plead "one big favour", to which you groan or sigh or sprint away, leaving a puff of dust behind you like in cartoons. 
Now as I've observed, the 'big favour' is roughly the equivalent of two or three medium sized favours. They're kind of like redeemable coupons you find in magazines, but you have to do a lot more than cut them out to reap the reward


Either way, either option, either big or small favour. It's still a bloody pain in the ass. 
Therefore I would like to propose a no returns policy. One way favours. Like when you borrow your mates tissues. You don't need it back. 


Stay Tuned.
life's narcissistic narrator.
+ the red fox. 


-OVER AND OUT-